Bhavya Nyati's Not-So-Secret diary

I first noticed it when she placed the strands behind her ear and laughed, throwing her hair back, her hand covering her mouth. It was a pretty and an honest laugh, but it was her jhumkas that dangled from each earlobe that made me pay attention to her.

Memories can feel out of place, sometimes, even feel unreal, like you never experienced the moment in the first place. My time with her was like that – she feels like an unreal memory, a person who never existed in my life, but this small object makes her real.

And perhaps, it was the most attractive thing about her – her choice in jhumkas. The first time I saw her, with black emeralds, and little bells hung around them.

And then I saw her four more times.

She would continue to put on new jhumkas everyday and I would remind myself, to not hurt her, never her. And then, one morning, she put on a new pair of jhumkas – a hoop inside a bigger hoop, and they rotated in the opposite direction when she moved her head. How could I not be fascinated by something so simple, but thoughtful?

Looking at her, standing there near the barrows, picking jhumkas and examining them, an old memory came to me from my childhood days – my mother would spend hours hopping from one barrow to another, looking at the jhumkas, too, and would almost ending up buying at least two. We never had enough money at home, but she always had enough to buy herself jhumkas.

So, I did what I do best - I complimented her on her earrings. Women, in my experience, feel safer around men who notice the little things - and jhumkas are a very small thing, especially for men, because it's often covered by hair. Besides, picking the right jhumkas takes a lot of efforts, so a compliment is always welcomed.

She thanked and smiled, and thus, began our tale.

No longer I had to stand in the shadows and watch her from a distance.

Soon enough, I became a close friend. gave her reasons to laugh, to throw her head back or move it around, just sol could watch her jhumkas move.

It was a beautiful sight but I was starting to get obsessed.

And then, it happened, what I feared the most.

It happened quickly, but it left a mark.

I remember asking her to take off her jhumkas for me, so

I could keep it.

"To have something of yours to remember you by.

"She laughed, and then, refused.

"It belonged to my grandmother," she had said, smiling.

And then, the next moment, I remember her clutching her

left ear, confusion and horror all over her face, and blood

trickled down her neck. She had screamed, too.

One moment she was laughing, and when she

refused, I snatched the left jhumka right off her ear,

a small piece of flesh came along, sticking to the hook.

It was a beautiful sight, holding the jhumka in my hand. I had to have that jhumka added to my collection. So, I gave into my temptations

And now that I had her jhumka, she served me no purpose.

She became a nobody to me.

I was done shopping here. So, she had to go.

I hold the floral jhumka dearly in my hand,

thinking about her, and watch it move with

the wind, just the way it had when she wore it.

I put my 2nd jhumka into the box.

I now had a pair, yet both were distinct.

And maybe, that is the beauty of my jhumkas-

they are abstract and have a tint of blood .

Chai aur Talab

"Stop my funeral, I'm feeling alive." Take the left from here the tea shop is nearby."

This post about the taste of my country, is my cup of tea. I don't know what reminds you of India's most authentic taste but India on my pallette is the entire tea farm of Darjeeling. India on my mother's pallette, every evening, is the North East. Trust me, I can literally smell houses, in cups and more often in the black pearls collected in a strainer kept near the washbasins. Mummy calls it "Chhanni". And Mummy is not just mine, she's yours too. If I ever meet your mother, her palms would smell like a tea farm and trust me, I would drop all Nike and Blackberry on the floor, just to wear her on my cheek, my forehead and my arms. Mummy, sits in the corner of a stall, in the morning, brewing dreams for kids she wants to admission in school. When she pours all the dreams she boils in milk, on cold winter days, with rough hands and a soft heart, I can taste, worries and love in the earthen vessel. Mummy calls it "Kulhad". Baba takes ten rupees for a cup of this happiness I buy every morning, before going to college and it's all free when I visit a friend's home because there, Mummy serves it with samosas. Mummy calls this blessing, Chai. The colour of tea, in my country tells me how global beauty is. We don't have so many shades of foundation but tea comes in all colours of skin. We burn the midnight oil during exams here, burdened with projects and those chasing deadlines but we live through the night, because Mummy makes chai at two, when clocks get sleepy. Tea glasses, in my country, have heard every story from the sippers. Sometimes it's friendship, sometimes gossip and sometimes loneliness. We don't drink it. Drinking doesn't hit the way tea does. We sip like it's a song. We are all singers with mics made of glass. Mummy calls it "Chuski". Tea, travels from homes to lovers sheltering in rain. I can always make a romantic Hindi poem on it, which I otherwise suck at. He calls it "Shayari."
"Vo muskuraakar keh dein humaari talab hai unhe, hum paatiyo ko kesar kar, chuski na ban jaayein chai ki toh kehna." Tea, to every Indian, tastes like weed was saffron all the time. ©Bhavya, Chai Aur Talab.

"रोको मेरा जनाजा,मुझमें जान आ रही है ।
आगे से लेफ्ट लेना चाय की दूकान आ रही है ।।"

मेरे देश के स्वाद के बारे में यह पोस्ट, मेरी चाय की प्याली है। मैं नहीं जानता कि आपको भारत के सबसे प्रामाणिक स्वाद की क्या याद दिलाता है, लेकिन मेरे पैलेट पर भारत दार्जिलिंग का पूरा चाय खेत है। मेरी मां की पाल पर भारत, हर शाम, नॉर्थ ईस्ट है। मुझ पर विश्वास करो, मैं सचमुच घरों को, प्यालों में और अधिक बार धुलाई के लिए रखे गए झरने में रखे हुए काले मोतियों में मिला सकता हूं। मम्मी इसे "छन्नी" कहती हैं। और मम्मी सिर्फ मेरी नहीं है, वह तुम्हारी भी है। अगर मैं कभी तुम्हारी माँ से मिलता, तो उसकी हथेलियाँ चाय के खेत की तरह खुशबु मारतीं और मुझ पर भरोसा करतीं, मैं फर्श पर अपने गाल, माथे और अपनी बाहों पर उसे पहनने के लिए नाइके और ब्लैकबेरी छोड़ देता। मम्मी, एक स्टाल के कोने में बैठती हैं, सुबह बच्चों के लिए सपने देख कर स्कूल में दाखिला लेना चाहती है। जब वह सर्दी के दिनों में, उबड़-खाबड़ हाथों और कोमल हृदय के साथ, दूध में उबले हुए सभी सपने डालती है, तो मैं मिट्टी के बर्तन में स्वाद, चिंता और प्यार कर सकता हूं। मम्मी इसे "कुल्हड़" कहती हैं। बाबा इस खुशी के लिए एक कप के लिए दस रुपये लेता है, जो मैं हर सुबह खरीदता हूं, कॉलेज जाने से पहले और यह सब मुफ्त है जब मैं किसी दोस्त के घर जाता हूं क्योंकि वहां, मम्मी समोसे के साथ परोसती है। मम्मी इस आशीर्वाद को, चाय कहती हैं। मेरे देश में चाय का रंग बताता है कि वैश्विक सुंदरता कैसी है। हमारे पास नींव के इतने सारे शेड नहीं हैं, लेकिन चाय त्वचा के सभी रंगों में आती है। हम यहां परीक्षाओं के दौरान आधी रात को तेल जलाते हैं, परियोजनाओं और उन समयसीमाओं पर बोझ डालते हैं लेकिन हम रात में रहते हैं, क्योंकि मम्मी दो बार चाय बनाती हैं, जब घड़ियां नींद में हो जाती हैं। चाय के गिलास, मेरे देश में, मैंने हर कहानी सुनी है। कभी यह दोस्ती, कभी गपशप और कभी अकेलापन। हम इसे नहीं पीते हैं। चाय पीने का तरीका हिट नहीं करता है। हम जैसे यह एक गीत है। हम सभी गायक हैं जो कांच से बने मिक्स हैं। मम्मी इसे "चुस्की" कहती हैं। चाय, घरों से बारिश में आश्रय करने वाले प्रेमियों के लिए। मैं हमेशा उस पर एक रोमांटिक हिंदी कविता बना सकता हूं, जिसे मैं अन्यथा चूसता हूं। वह इसे "शायरी" कहते हैं।
"वो मुसकुराकर के दे हमरी तालबा है अनहे, हम पातियो में केसर कर, चुस्की ना बन जाईं चै की क्या तोहना।" हर भारतीय को चाय, खरपतवार जैसा स्वाद हर समय केसरिया होता था। © भव्या, चाय और तलब।

Yes, he is an Introvert. No, he is Not Depressed.

We damage young people when we confuse introversion with depression.

When "Rahul"was in high school, he spent a lot of time alone in his bedroom. He read comics, played video games, and chatted with other creative types over AOL Instant Messenger. (This was the late 1990s.) He shied away from many “real-world” activities like after-school clubs or hanging out at friends’ houses. What he needed, instead, was time to process.

“Being a teenager is exhausting," he told me. "There are all sorts of things to process emotionally about relationships [like] why that girl you’re really into won’t give you the time of day because you’re not fitting a certain personality type. When I’m alone, just able to think and relax, that’s when I process the world the best.”

Naturally, this worried his parents, who are more extroverted than Rahul. They wondered if Rahul was depressed. Spending this much time alone couldn’t be good for a teenager, they figured. He should be out having fun, goofing around with a gaggle of friends like normal teenagers do ... right?

Rahul’s parents weren’t the only ones who worried. His teachers noticed that he was “always in [his] notebook.” At one point, they called a meeting with his parents. “Basically, [his teachers] told him to participate or else,” he told me when I was talking to him on the topic, The Secret Lives of Introverts. “I felt like I was defective, or a bad kid. I was just waiting for them to send me off to therapy or something so I could be ‘fixed.’

Was Rahul depressed? Nope. Turns out, he’s an introvert — a fact he didn’t discover until later in life. At the time, he didn’t understand that being around people drained him. He felt like a freak for wanting to spend so much time alone.

And when the adults in his life thought there was something wrong with him, it only made him feel worse.

Introversion Is Often Mislabeled as Depression

Rahul isn’t the only one whose introversion has been confused with depression. Many introverts told me that their quiet ways have been “misdiagnosed” by parents, teachers, and others as mental illness — especially when they were young.

This is a real problem.

It’s usually a more extroverted type who does this misdiagnosing. The extrovert feels that the person in question must be suffering from depression, because why else would someone want to stay home alone when there are parties to attend and fun to be had? The extrovert fails to see that what’s fun for him or her is not necessarily fun for the introvert.

THE BASICS

What Is Introversion?

But there’s nothing wrong with living a chill life. Due to a biological difference in the way introverts and extroverts respond to rewards, introverts tend to have their own definition of fun. For them, "fun” is usually not parties and people and doing all the things, but rather a meaningful conversation, a good book, or a relaxing afternoon to yourself.

Telling kids it’s wrong to enjoy life quietly can lead to shame and stigmatization. No wonder so many introverts grow up feeling bad about who they are.

Also, when we misdiagnose, it prevents the actual problem from being solved. Rahul didn’t need to go on antidepressants and see a therapist. What he needed was to learn how to better manage his energy. Later in life, that’s exactly what he did — and it made all the difference.

Do Introverts Get Depressed?

This doesn’t mean that introverts don’t suffer from depression; in fact, some research suggests that introverts are more likely than extroverts to experience depression and anxiety. Carl jung, director of research at the Center for Applications of Psychological Type who has founded analytical psychology, suspects this has to do with the fact that introverts are more self-critical (although more realistic) in their self-assessments than extroverts. Chalk it up to depressive realism. I’d also be willing to bet that it has something to do with living in a society that frequently overstimulates you and demands that you conform to an ideal that pushes you past your comfort zone. Or is that just me?

To better understand the differences between introversion and depression, I turned to Pete Shalek, CEO and founder of Joyable, a company that helps people overcome depression and social anxiety using an online program. He told me that although depression and introversion can look similar at first glance, the two are very different.
Signs of depression include:

Reduced interest in things you used to enjoy.

Feeling down or hopeless.

Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, or sleeping too much.

Poor appetite or eating too much.

Feeling bad about yourself.

Trouble concentrating.

Moving or speaking slowly, or being fidgety and restless.

Thoughts of self-harm or suicide.

“While avoiding social situations, disengaging, and being alone can be part of a person’s experience with depression, it is often not the whole picture,” he says. “Introversion is a personality trait where people prefer more time alone so they can focus on thoughts, feelings, and moods rather than external stimulus. If an individual feels engaged and enjoys the time alone, it’s more likely introversion than depression.”

Cherish Introversion, Treat Depression

It’s crucial to know the difference between introversion and depression for another important reason: When cherished and embraced, introversion is a temperament that brings many gifts. Introverts are capable of concentrating deeply and thinking creatively. They are often quite conscientious, have high levels of empathy, and think carefully before they speak and act.

Depression, on the other hand, can seriously hamper a person’s quality of life, although it is treatable.

For Rahul, learning about his introversion was life changing. Today, because he understands what causes his energy depletion, he’s better able to regulate his time so he doesn’t get as exhausted. After work, he takes a few minutes to wind down before interacting with his wife and young children. When the kids start stressing him out, he takes a five-to-ten-minute break to sit in silence while they’re occupied with something else.

“I’ve gotten to the point where I can have friend visits once or twice a week and not feel rundown and crabby after the fact,” he said. “And I can schedule side activities in a more productive way that doesn’t completely ruin me.”

And embracing his introversion brought an unexpected upside. “A lot of my anxiety issues involving people have faded, and I’m more energized in the moment of my interactions,” he said. “I’ve actually become a much more social person.”

Help for Introverts Who Are Depressed

The good news is that for most people, depression is treatable. Depression isn’t your fault, and it isn’t forever.

Of course, everyone feels blue from time to time. How do you know when it’s time to seek treatment for depression? According to Pete Shalek, founder of Joyable, a company that helps people overcome depression using an online program, you could benefit from help if you:

1. Consistently feel down or unmotivated with these feelings lasting for extended periods of time,
or
2. If your feelings negatively impact your life (for example, your relationships or your ability to concentrate and work effectively).

If you answered “yes” to one of the above statements, it’s crucial that you take action. Taking action can be hard when you’re depressed, because just thinking about the things you need to do to feel better, like spending time with a friend or exercising, can seem exhausting and overwhelming. That’s what’s ironic about depression recovery — the things that help the most are often the things that are hardest to do.

The most difficult step is the first step. Look for something you can do right now, like going on a walk or getting up and dancing to your favorite music.
Here are some more ways to cope with depression, from Help Guide:

Plan a one-on-one coffee date with a good friend.

Talk to one person you trust about your feelings.

Do things that make you feel good, like picking up a former hobby or sport you used to enjoy, or planning a trip to your favorite park or museum.

Aim for eight hours of sleep at night. A lack of sleep can exacerbate depression.

Practice relaxation techniques, like meditation or yoga. Or, draw yourself a warm bath and read a good book.

Get moving — exercise is a powerful depression fighter!

Challenge negative thoughts. Be on the lookout for all-or-nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, or overgeneralizations. (Learn more about this important strategy, and others, here.

Most important, seek professional help. Depression is one of the top factors that contribute to suicidal behavior. A therapist or an evidence-based online program like Joyable can assist you in coping with depression

If you or someone you know has had thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 022 2754 6669, or seek help from a professional (if you’re in the U.S.). For help in other countries, see the International Association for Suicide Prevention

Poetry

Quotes

Chai aur Talab

Translate

ABOUT ME

SUBSCRIBE & FOLLOW

POPULAR POSTS

Categories

Contact Form

Contact

Poetry

SUBSCRIBE & FOLLOW

Report Abuse

ABOUT ME

Tears - Why God made tears?

Search This Blog

Blog Archive

recent posts

LET’S BE FRIENDS

HELLO, THERE!

Poetry

ABOUT ME

SUBSCRIBE & FOLLOW

Contact

Bhavyanyatinotsosecretdiary